Forget all that I said, maybe distraction works best.

I was planning on writing something introspective and maybe contemplating whether or not I was having a psychotic break from reality, but then I remembered that life has always been weird and terrible and amazing and exciting.

For example one friend is interviewing for a television show.
And another had a lot of money mysteriously deposited into her account.

Oh, and I did go ghost hunting in an abandoned medical facility, but let the people I was with go first and they were chased out by a swarm of bees.  After that, I decided it was a good time to pick up my car from the shop. 

Life is Good and Appropriate Answers

"So, I hear Big Sur is supposed to be one of the most beautiful places in California."

"Yeah, I've heard that too."

"Want to go when you get back?"

"Yeah!  I have a few weeks, we can start in San Diego and camp, making our way up!"

"Let's do it in September, then."

"We better buy a tent heater, then."

"Okay."

Haunted

I stumbled upon the realization while ghost hunting, wandering around abandoned hospitals--I feel haunted.  Not in that moment, but in my daily life.

I feel like so much of my most basic personality, the bits of me that make me feel most like myself, hinge on confidence.  The confidence that I am being myself as hard as a I can and that no matter what happens I will manage. 

I mean, I still feel like myself, but I also feel like I'm always watching myself too--always peeking around the next corner trying to see the blurry faces of strangers just before they're in my line of sight.  It's a weird feeling.  It's not the feeling of loneliness which is this weird gnawing grey thing, vague and insubstantial thing that could be easily distracted and mitigated.  This is something very specific, a noticeable lack.  Like there's this hole in the world and like a hole everything rushes to fill it, but it still drains away.  

I have always been very fortunate.  It's cliche to say this, but it's probably the most accurate word, but I've been blessed.  I've always managed somehow and I've managed to become kind.  I've met wonderful people and continue to go on wonderful adventures.  I have learned to appreciate kindness and the difficulty of being kind.  I have seen my goals and taken steps towards them--for me there are no more "what-ifs."  It hasn't been easy and I won't lie, there have been very dark moments.  But that's what they were--moments.  There was no disconnect with myself; the person I was awake was the person I was asleep.

But now, my dreams are so angry.  And I have differently dark moments.  They're dark the way lava is dark.  But also bright and violent and burning.

What do I do with this?  Is this something I can bring to a priest or witch or whatever?  I feel like I can't talk to my friends, how do you explain that you're being haunted by yourself?  I feel whole, I mean if I'm not myself, who else can I be?  But now it feels like there's someone else here with me too.