Let Me Culturally Appropriate Your Penis

Lately, I've taken to thinking the treadmills are like a two/four player fighting game.  And the only way to win at it, is to run faster and longer than everyone else.

So, when someone hops onto the treadmill next to me, it's like, "A CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED!" cheesy music and all.

And it's not even that I can run particularly fast or particularly long.  It's just running on a treadmill is pretty boring and I feel like this wears some people out, so lots of them tend to hop off sooner than they wanted to.  I'm winning at the treadmill only because I have a high tolerance for monotony and am button-mashing in my brain.  

In other news, I wrote an email to the developers of an app, Hula, regarding their cultural appropriation and cultural insensitivity, and how they were only further marginalizing a group that they actually meant to help, and they wrote me back a non-apology and pat on the head, saying they didn't mean to be offensive and are talking to community leaders.  The app is supposed to help people find free/affordable STD/STI testing and also help them share their status to, I guess, viable bang buddies.  

Huh.  

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that while educating yourself is good and building understanding and compassion is better, but I wrote that letter so you would rename your fucking app.  Like, literally.

Not only is it offensive (hula being an art form and form of non-written history; also see the banning of hula by colonizing missionaries), but you could have SO MUCH FUN with the name of an app that is meant to help find people find free/affordable STD/STI and HIV/AIDS testing.  Just flipping through Urban Dictionary for five minutes will give you at least 25 viable names.  This is just uncreative laziness.  It's named Hula because it helps you get "lei-d."  Huh.  

And I could see someone arguing that for the sake of sexual health becoming a more acceptable topic, it'd be okay to just go with the flow, but no.  Continuing to marginalize and appropriate culture isn't going to help foster an environment that encourages open communication.  

Furthermore, this only underlines the tired trope of native people being uncivilized and lazy.  "Oh, hey. Instead of talking about our sexual status and discussing our sexuality, barriers to sexual expression and sexual health, let's just fiddle with our phones before we bump uglies." 

I'm conflicted because I deeply want sexuality and sexual health to be discussed, but I don't want it to be at the expense of an ethnic/cultural group.  It shouldn't be.  

Whoa.  I didn't mean to get serious.  

How To Work Out A Lot

I should go work out, but one of my brothers and the dog have fallen asleep on the floor, near my feet, and I don't want to wake them up.  I don't want to do anything productive (meaning looking for jobs, writing cover letters and reviewing my resume), but I don't really want to do nothing.

The dog is making weird sounds.  I think she's snoring.  It's kind of like a muffled farting sound from her mouth, so it must be snoring.

How To Work Out A Lot

Sure, you could be all, "Oh, I want to look bangin'," or "I want to improve my overall health."  But, for myself, I've got a gym membership that I don't really want to cancel (just in case I ever want to do the two aforementioned  reasons).  But, I don't really want to pay for something I never use.  So, I've got to convince myself to go to the gym for some other reason.  And it's this:  Develop a Gym Crush or alternately, Create An Imaginary Storyline/Timeline For All The Gym Regulars.  It works pretty well.

For the Gym Crush, it doesn't necessarily need to be a romantic crush.  Just find yourself looking for a certain person.  It helps if this is a regular or maybe staff.  And they should have at least one stand out quality.  For example, I was on the treadmill next to this guy whose sweat smelled like Cinnabon.  It was awesome running next to him.  My current gym crush is this amazing lady who always wears amazing, clashing colors and patterns.  She only stays on a machine for like 5 minutes, but seeing her just brightens up my day.

Pros:

1. You'll have a reason to go to the gym.
2. You'll have something to look forward to.

Cons:

1. It might develop into a real, romantic crush.  
2. You might become disappointed if they stop coming. 
3. Huge, awkward situations if they start interacting with you, since you've been pretending to be in love with them.

I'm a huge fan of creating story lines for people.  This works best with regulars.  You just take people and start making things up about their lives.  The guy on the stationary bike next to you?  His wife is having an affair, and he's just started noticing how distant they've become.  The jerkface girl who just got on the treadmill next to you and is challenging you to a treadmill race by aggressively sprinting?  Has a condition that if she doesn't sprint short distances on treadmills, next to people who have already been running for the past hour and are drenched in their own sweat, her legs will stop working.  Don't take it personally.

Pros:

1. You'll go to the gym.
2. You'll be distracted while you're working out.

Cons:

1. You'll scorn the Resolutioners for invading your storyline.
2. You'll worry when people stop coming in.  Did their evil twin brother kidnap them?  Maybe their Canadian relatives are keeping them hostage, thinking all this warm, Maui weather is affecting their temperament, making them too mellow and affecting their life goals?! 
3. Huge, awkward situations when they interact with you, since you've been an imaginary peeping-tom.

Or you could just go to the gym because you like working out.  There's that too.   But people who say that (and I sometimes find myself in this category, which is alarming and conflicting) make me want to eat all the food. ALL THE FOOD.

Oh, the brother and the dog woke up.  Better go.